We Know Now

This couldn't be worse...or could it be? It is the nightmare that is the truest of all nightmares.  We had so hoped that this would not be related to his osteosarcoma.  We believed in our hearts that this little guy was going to beat this thing called bone cancer. Period. End of story.  And then there came the"but". We didn't want to know the outcome of the surgery, we asked specifically not to be told and now looking back I wonder if we were just being foolish and unfair to him and maybe at that particular time in space, we could have done more to have avoided the issue we face now.  It appears the bone cancer may have spread to the upper area of the bridge of his nose and now it could very well be broken...or so the oncologist we spoke with said.  We spent a good deal of time talking.  It seemed like hours when it was just about an hour and we looked down on this little guy and thought what have we got here? She suspected it right away and knew what we were dealing with and had the compassion to give it to me straight without quibbling.  I knew we had asked her not to let us know and she didn't and yet we wonder now if we were just denying the fact that the surgeon couldn't get a clean margin.  When he had the surgery the tumor was large.  It was a large part of his jaw, but we thought we had clean bone and yet the pathology report said otherwise.  So it's had this time to grow and be what it is, bone cancer and it's probably destroyed the bone that was his nose.  The poor little guy has a hard time eating, his breathing is different, his little nose can go from side to side...which the doctor was able to do and shouldn't be able to do and he runs from us if we try to feed him.

It's not looking good for our little Mack.

So on Thursday we go to the oncology department again for x-rays and we'll see what is going on with the area and if they need to,  they'll do a CAT scan, but it may not be necessary. They may be able to see it without having to put him through anything else.  He came home with pain medications and when we find out on Thursday what we're dealing with, it may be time to contact the hospice vet and discussing pain management issues with her.  But we'll also be picking a time and that seems so unreal to me because basically we'll be putting to sleep a pretty healthy dog because he can't eat...seems so unfair to me and to him.  They discussed feeding tubes and Bob is not a fan of the idea but I might consider it if it meant that he was in a good place with no pain and could tolerate it.  If the only thing wrong is the broken bone, and no sign of cancer, the oncologist said they can't fix it...so it would again mean putting to sleep a dog who has no sign of cancer but a broken nose? How can we do that? I have to ask myself what is best for Mack, but when he looks at you with life in his eyes, how can I put him to sleep?  How do you put him to sleep when the only thing wrong is a broken bone?  Of course the vet. did say we could inject him with Fosamax which is a drug to build bone back up and they have done that for dogs with bone cancer fractures...so we could go for that if there is no evidence of cancer or discernible cancer that is.  I believed in my heart that he was free of it, but I was deluding myself I know.

My little Mack is my heart and I can't even begin to imagine or consider letting him go and we are beside ourselves now with the loss of his sister and now this.  It is breaking my heart in two.
Can there really be this much pain when you lose a special pet like Mack?
I am dreading and hating this day and the days after and the day when we say our last goodbye.

I keep praying for a good outcome and I know that God listens, I just know that it's not always going to be what we want.