My precious little dog was the epitome of fortitude, strength, endurance and devotion, because, despite what he had going on with him, he was the same little dog I brought home the very first time and who became the dog we loved to the very end of his life.
Wednesday the 30th of October was, just like what the other days of the last week or two had been like, a battle to get him to eat. We'd tried literally everything in the book to entice him to eat and nothing up to that day had really worked. We woke up with the usual hope that this day would find Mack free of pain enough to want to gobble up his food. If he truly was unable to do that, then we knew that it was the end of the road. If he could not eat, what was there to do? If he would refuse what he had loved his whole life and was hungry and still wouldn't eat, then we knew that we were going to have to make a terrible decision. So that morning it was like the others, he would try so hard to come by the food and then veer away at the last minute. Maybe once in the two to five times we tried that morning, he would grab at the food and then run from me and I knew.
I am not sure why that particular day seemed like the day to decide, but it was, because as the days had gone by with the introduction of new pain medications, we knew in our heart if it wasn't enough to get him to eat then there was little we could do. He was getting thinner and more spacey as the days rolled by and it was becoming pretty apparent that whatever it was could not be overcome by the medications which were pretty powerful.
The last attempt to get him to eat was met by the sight of him running to hide from me and it was then that I made the call to the euthanasia vet group and we made the appointment to have him put to sleep that afternoon. Funnily enough the last question I asked of lovely, sweet Rose was if anyone ever called and canceled and she said that there had been instances of it and it wouldn't be the first time. It was a funny question to ask when I'd just made the appointment but it just came to me in that instant.
So the time was set and it was early morning yet, so I grabbed my camera and decided to shoot some last photos of my beautiful little Mack and try to capture the moments that I felt would comfort me later on. I shot about 45 or so photos and then decided to put my camera down and give him a massage and that's when I noticed something in his mouth that looked like a bone that was stuck in his gums. It was enough to take him to Bob and ask if he saw what I saw and it was then that I decided that I couldn't just let him go this way without really knowing what was going on with him. Up to that moment we had no real idea what it could be that was causing him to not want to eat and I hated to think we'd put him to sleep for a tooth problem, so right then and there I made the decision to take him to our vet. and have the X-rays done. It was the last ditch effort to ensure I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, what was wrong with him.
The appointment was at 3:30PM and as I drove down to the office, I said a short prayer that our vet. would tell us what to do. I needed her to tell me it was time, if it was time. It was a quiet drive with Mack falling asleep as we drove to the office and me petting his little head and massaging his neck as we drove in silence. We arrived and he perked right up and wanted to get out and as soon as I opened the door he was standing and ready to jump out of the car and we walked into the door of the hospital.
He wagged his tail at everyone and every dog and he was curious about his surroundings but he wanted up in my lap and I let him and we sat and waited. Then they came out and took us to a room we'd been in before and our beloved vet. asked me what was up. I went over what we thought and that we had made the appointment to put him to sleep that day but because of the tooth issue I felt we needed to know just what it was that was going on with him. She agreed and said she would check it all out once she had him sedated and hoped that her X-ray machine was working ok and then we'd have more information. I actually didn't get to say goodbye because they took him from me and walked away and I left the room to go back to the waiting room. I was assuming that we'd be back in the car not much longer from then and he'd be drowsy but with me and we'd be going home.
They gave him the light sedation and once that had taken effect they brought me back to where they were going to take the X-rays and she showed me the inside of his mouth and everywhere and she then asked me what had I seen and strangely enough, it wasn't there…weird I know, but truly it was there and Bob and I both saw it and it was not a small piece of bone or whatever it was and now it was totally gone. But she couldn't see it and neither did I so she said, well let's get the X-rays done and once that's done come back and we'll have a look at them.
I can't say why I knew when I walked in, but the looks on the faces of all the people there looked like masks of sadness that screamed oh no…it was almost palpable and I knew it wasn't good news. Shockingly it was not good news and we had NO idea. Once she could show me the actual X-rays, there was a true visual truth staring at us that the bone in his jaw and in his face was nearly all GONE. It had been destroyed by the cancer that had lurked there all this time. It had taken what was bone and turned it into nothing. His teeth were sitting in gelatinous tissue and nothing supported them and it was so devastating to me to see this that I almost couldn't breathe. He had endured such pain and suffering without an obvious outward sign other than not being able to eat and I couldn't believe it. As he lay there I put my hand on his soft body and I asked should we let him go and she said yes. That was the answer to my prayer. We knew then that it was the only thing left to do for him and that was to let him go to be free of pain and suffering. There was no point in waking him up just to let him go again in a day or two. This kind of pain could not be controlled by pain medications and probably he had endured this for so long that I felt bad that we'd waited so long to decide to let him go. It was heartbreaking but I knew it was the only thing we could do for him. So as I said my goodbyes and told him that I loved him, I left and as I opened the door to go to the waiting room he must have heard my voice and lifted up and was coming out of the sedation and I was in a panic that he not see me and I rushed out of the room so he wouldn't see me leaving. I couldn't be brave enough or strong enough to be there for him as he took his last breath but as my husband said, he probably wasn't aware that I was not there but knew I was still in the building and they quickly administered the final anesthesia that would take his life. They asked me if I wanted to see him and I said, no, I was ok not seeing him. I couldn't manage that either. It broke my heart later on that I chose not to, but it was the way it felt to me that prevented me from doing it. My heart and my mind were numb and I was too distraught to manage much but just move in space.
There was a lady in the waiting room that had been waiting for an appointment with Dr. O. and she had been asked a few times if she really wanted to wait and she said, no I'm fine, I'll wait and I know that God sent her to be there for me. She didn't have an appointment and had just decided to drop in so Dr. O could see her little dog's ear and she was going to be seeing her after me. She and I talked and we shared stories and she actually got me through the time when I know that Mack's life was ebbing away. I know I sat there showing little emotion but it was so unreal that I had a hard time wrapping my mind around it and all I wanted to do was be gone from there. It was unreal and nightmarish but I was lost in denial that it was happening at all…it was unreal looking back on it. I was not able to be there to know for sure what he was going through, but for some reason I knew that I was led there to have it happen the way it did. The very vet that loved him like family was the one to let him go and to hold him when he left this earthly world and that was ok.
For me, I loved him like no other pet I'd ever owned, they all were wonderful but he was my heart. Save Oreo who passed in September and Gale who was our family dog, he held that special place that will never be filled. I could not have asked for more answers to prayers than what happened that day. If I'd not seen the mystery bone in his mouth, I might not have had the X-rays done to know for certain what was going on and if the lovely lady in the waiting room had not been there, I don't think I could have gone through with it and if I had not made the appointment with the vet. that day, she would have been off the next day and we would have had to wait another day or so and it would have been too hard for poor Mack and the level of pain he was experiencing. It all worked towards the end that was meant to happen. They handled everything for us and arranged the cremation company to pick him up and expressed their regrets for our loss. They handed me his leash and harness and I almost wanted to throw it away right then but I held on to it for dear life. I couldn't believe I was leaving without him but one day in the next few days we will receive back the remains of his physical form and it will be a form of closure. His urn will sit next to our beloved Oreo's and a photo will be made to testify to his existence and a testament to the love we had for this little brave, wonderfully strong dog who endured more than we ever would have asked him to do, but did. He hung on for us and he was my hero. I can't imagine the pain he must have had knowing the devastation of his bones, but even on the day of his passing, he wagged his tail, he ran with me from room to room, he sat on my lap and rested, he tried to jump up on the window seat on the patio and looked out over his domain, he tried to jump down from the counter when I did his last pain medication application and he tried to jump out of the car when we arrive at the vet.'s. He wagged his tail at the little dog waiting in the waiting room and he came up to someone at the counter and let her pet him. He was light in his step and his eyes shone brightly and with that memory I will close this post with heartache I knew would be a part of this story. I knew when we took him to our hearts that his time would be only as long as was meant to be, it was the way he was meant to leave us as well, with his strong heart beating to the end.
We loved you with everything we had our sweet Diggie Dog and you took a part of our hearts that we will never be able to replace.
Rest in peace
Mackenzie Foster
Born November 1999 left us on October 30, 2013 at around 4:00PM.
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