Post Stitches

Two weeks post op

Mack the Diggie dog is different.  Not sure what it is that makes him "different" but he is. Of course the obvious difference is in the way he looks which post surgery is improving. I'm not really sure that he will "look" the same to us, despite what the surgeon said. He said no one would know once the hair grew out, but the way the scar runs, it is unlikely that hair will grow from that area and over it, so he will always have a pretty noticeable scar running under his eye, down his cheek and to his nose.  In some ways he's very much the same, loves to eat, runs for food and can't wait to get his treats, which are all blessings beyond words. Sometimes he has his moments of excitement and the wiggling tail wagging, and that brings back my memories of the happy and excited dog Mack was. But there are times when I look into his eyes and see a different dog.  He is not as "expressive" if that is possible.  We have to remember it's only been two weeks post surgery so part of this new Diggie Dog Mack behavior has something to do with that. We must also consider that without his hearing there is the lack of oral communication and a lack of aural stimulation that he used to get from our interactions. He doesn't hear what we are saying, so many times it's a blank stare that makes us feel as if he isn't the same dog.  I can't imagine not hearing the sounds in the house or our voices and trying to figure out what it is we want him to do. We use hand gestures and he pretty much gets what we want, follow us, go outside, come eat, go there. But when we speak, nothing happens. There's no connection made. Sometimes we think he can hear us but we're fooled by his ability to "understand" the visual cues that we aren't even aware of using. He's a very smart dog, using the one ability that he was always good at, which is watching and anticipating what we do, not necessarily what we say.
Mack the Diggie dog is different in that he doesn't seem to respond to us in the same way.  The most telling part of his being different is that when we go to bed, he doesn't look to snuggle with me, or to lie next to me, he lays down with the cover over him, and stays there the entire night. He rarely moves from that original spot and from there he will wake up in the morning in relatively the same place he fell asleep. That is totally not like the original Diggie Dog we took to the hospital on the 11th of December. He would snuggle with me no matter what was going on, stay there the entire night and be by someone's side in the morning. It was his habit and his ritual and that is different. Maybe we shouldn't consider how different he is as much as how much the same he is or maybe that is part of the grieving process that we go through whenever we consider what we did to give him a chance. We had to do something that was drastic by some people's standards and we cut out a jaw bone that was considered a massive surgical procedure for a small dog like him. We disfigured him and changed his physical look to give him a second chance at survival, so we have to grieve a part of him that will be forever changed.  Add in the hearing loss and we grieve more because he can't hear our voices or the sounds around him that he used to love, like the barking of the dog next door, the birds chirping in the trees, the cat's meow from next door or the ringing of the door bell that brought new people to his world.  Instead he is left with a silence that will forever be a part of his life, the communication we most relied on when we spoke words of love and excitement, instead I have resorted to clapping my hands to give him the sign of joy or happiness at seeing his face, but I'm never sure if he really understands that meaning behind it. If I could find a gesture that translated love and he knew it for that, I would use it every day, but who knew I would not be able to rely on sound to give that to him.  A deaf dog relies on facial expressions and other cues, but love does not come into play if you can't sweet talk him and whisper in his ear that you love him. I used to do that to him all the time, and I think he knew what it meant...now I'm left with  kissing him on his head or petting him and hugging him to me to let him know.  It is a strange new world with this new Diggie Dog, but I pray as time goes by we see a glimpse of the old Diggie Dog that reinforces to us that we did the right thing. That is the heartbreak of it all, did we do the right thing?
Time will tell, that is the only thing that is the same.  

Vet Found

We were beside ourselves with worrying about where our veterinarian had gone to, but through a few investigative tricks we were able to find out where she lived and leave a note on her door. She promptly called us and told us she was working out of a vet. clinic pretty far away from us, but at least she is working someplace~ We were thrilled and immediately called their clinic to make an appointment. The hour we have to be there will be early, but at least we have her to go to.  I have no idea what prompted her to leave but according to a vet. tech. it was long in coming. I experienced some tension at the clinic before, but it was shrugged off as just office staff who weren't happy. But to leave a practice and just not come back after the holidays, that probably wasn't over something minor.  I don't really care to know the circumstances and I doubt she will share them with us,  but we hope that she finds a place to practice her wonderful skills so we can continue to have her as Mack's veterinarian.

He has about five stitches or less to come out and no matter what I tried, there was no way I could get the last of them out. He turned his head so violently that I feared I'd poke him with the sharp scissors I was using.  He stopped being patient while I tried to see where they were and how many were left after the second attempt. It has been a frustrating last few days because all I wanted was to remove them and get this part over and done with and he would not cooperate. We decided not to prolong it any longer. It probably means another sedation and we hope she can quickly snip them out and he's done and waking up. It just bothers me that he will have to get the drugs out of his system again.

I will give it another try tonight to see how far I get. If I can get him to let me look at the stitches and slowly introduce the tweezers, which seem to be the worst reaction that we get when I come at him with something in my hands, maybe he will just relax and let me get close enough to snip the ends... He sleeps so soundly that I probably could do it then, but as soon as you touch that area, he wakes up and jerks away.  He shouldn't be feeling anything around there since he lost the nerves running through to his jaw, but he can feel me touching his nose and the side with the stitches, so this area must not have been served by the same nerves that were removed. It is a mystery how he can sense I'm trying to do this without my really doing it!

He's always been easy to work with but in this case, not so much. And his sister is the worst! Forget about wanting to do much with her, she wants nothing to do with anything that involves looking at her teeth, her eye, her head, her tail, she is not having any of it! I pray she doesn't have anything where we have to examine her~we'll be having to sedate her every time.

So on Sat. morning we will drive to the new location of our vet. and hope that we can do this without the use of drugs and that she is successful at removing all the stitches. That would be great and we would be relieved to not have to resort to any drugs this time.

Where is our Veterinarian?

Just when you think things are going along so smoothly, you find out the very special and close veterinarian that Mack loves and we love has left her practice! We just happened to stop by and ask about having Mack come in to have the remaining stitches removed and sure enough one of the girls in the office just gave us a no when I said is our veterinarian going to be in on Friday and she shook her head and whispered no, she's gone...talk about the shocker of the day.  Although we have gone to Dr. R. and have been pretty confident with her, we preferred Dr. O because she's been with Mack almost his entire life with us. We had no indication this was happening and we are heartsick...what to do with this is hard to figure out. We feel like we're in the middle of the river and need the boat that just left!
We will do what we can to remove the last of the stitches, that's for sure, and then try very hard to track down our old vet. We found her once and then again, so we are hoping and praying that she is not moving far from the area and will continue to have a practice somewhere close to us. Or sadly we'll be going to some other vet. we don't know or trust as much.  Doing a simple google search has really been scary since there just happen to be some bad reviews on several in the area~so we are not sure what to expect, but we do have a back up and a spare doctor if we get desperate, but as we found out today, one of the vets around here that is very, very close to us, (and is our spare vet. hospital) has been a doctor in practice for thirty years.  What are the chances he'll remain in business after so many years? I mean he's our age or a little bit younger and that could mean he is looking to retire some time in the next few years, maybe even sooner! So we are a bit in a quandary and sad at the same time. Hopefully we'll be able to contact someone who knows where Dr. O. has gone. That is the only thing we can hope for. We just hope she is going to be close.  Otherwise it's a toss up as to who to go to and whether you believe some of the bad reviews you read online. The way I look at it though, if someone is that upset to do harm to someone via a bad review then it's possible that there was negligence and this was the only way they could be sure someone else didn't suffer the same fate. If the complaints sound pretty reasonable, then you have to believe that the vet. failed these people and whether there is misunderstanding or not, you have to take the negative reviews very seriously.  I would hope no one would try to ruin someone's business this way, but it's possible, but then you have proof of slander and you could probably find out who did it. I would not put it on there unless it was true, so we have much to worry about if we decide to go to a new vet and there are negative reviews...another thing to consider, unless we ask around for different vets that other people use. That will be our next step.

Alas, we are so sad...where or where did our veterinarian go?

The Stitch Removal Day Has Come and Gone

Oh my, we both waited two full weeks for this day to come and lo and behold, he would have nothing to do with it! It was our biggest Christmas gift we were going to get and it didn't happen. The veterinarian tried to remove the stitches and got about three out, before he started bucking and jerking so much, they gave up.  It was mostly where the stitches were covered with scabs and we couldn't easily remove them. We reluctantly took him home to consign him to the dreaded cone until we can somehow remove the scabs.  We are using warm compresses to wet the area and now we're using antibiotic cream to soften the stuff up a bit more. If that doesn't work, we'll use vaseline to make it softer and hope for the best. I will attempt to remove the stitches myself. I asked the vet. if I could do that and she said, if you can, then go for it~so that is what I'll do.  I'm hoping it works and with patience and perseverance, we'll be successful. At least for his sake we hope so because if we can't do it then they'll have to put him to sleep again and I don't want to do that. It would be way too many times this past month.
We were very disappointed, but it has to be this way...we'll work it out and it's just another setback. I think Bob was more upset about having the cone back in the picture, but I think it's just a matter of time, I'm going for the gold in removing his stitches, but I think I can do it!

This is fourteen days out...I think he looks great!

The picture above is my 2 week photo of his recovery. Under his eye is where the scabs are and somehow if we'd known we would have used warm compresses on his face to make them easier to remove. So far the one scab is pretty hard and it's not responding to the warm wash cloth we used. I will work on it some more, but the location of this particular area is just so distracting to him, he can "see" me coming at him with the washcloth~

I have noticed his behavior is different though.  Prior to the surgery he was an active and happy dog. Always running or jumping and raising his butt up in the air and getting ready to take us on, but now he's very quiet. I wonder if it has anything to do with the fact that he can't hear and so he doesn't "respond" the same. He is not the same in that he doesn't have the bounce in his step or the extra energy he had before the surgery. He is subdued, if that is the right word to describe the change.  I miss the little dog that used to run to us or would sing a long pretty howl when we came home. It was his vocal greeting that made us know how much he missed us. Now there is often just silence and a yawn...I hope that part of him is not lost forever, but I'm noticing how much quieter around here it is now. He doesn't respond to loud noises, the doorbell ringing, the door being open, the garage door rising, the car coming into the garage... He is in a silent place. Maybe that is why he's so "quiet" because his world is much quieter now. I miss the little dog he was, I can only hope that in all of our grief and indecision about what to do, we didn't subject him to something worse.  But in the end we did what we had to do and we gave it our all. We pray it wasn't to lose the very essence of the great dog he was to the silent world he lives in now. Too sad for words to imagine that he once heard our voices and now hears nothing.  I'm still working through this aspect of his treatment and I hope and pray I'm able to get passed it. He probably has, now it's our turn.

His Old Self

It's been a few days since the last posting and such a change in our little guy. He's acting and feeling better and if it weren't for the cone, he'd be almost like he was prior to surgery. It's been two weeks since the day he had the full maxillary upper jaw removal and he's doing well. Eats like a pig and we know from that, that he's feeling ok. Has not had a pain pill in almost three days and basically that is because he appears to be no different with them as without. He runs outside and sits on the porch, shakes his head and goes where we motion for him to go. He has fewer snuffling sessions than he did and he sleeps with a lot fewer of the heavier breathing sounds he was having the first few days. In fact I've been able to sleep without earplugs for the last few days and I woke up once last night when I heard him trying to clear his nose. There are still signs of some congestion, but the fact that it's minor is great news. He will probably always have a runnier nose than most, but it's not blood tinged like it was, which is another major improvement.

We are blessed to have him home with us and he's happy.  The stitches come out on Wed. and we are hoping they can do this without being put under again. We will have to be patient and hold his head steady. He won't like us getting close to his nose and eye, but we have to take them out.  I fear they'll want to put him out again and I don't want anymore of the anesthesia. That stuff has to have an effect on him having it too many times and plus it takes a few days for him to be normal afterwards.
So we're hoping that the vet. doesn't say we have to and let's pray that he'll let her get near him...or they can teach me to do it and I'll take them out!

The whole experience has been a stressful one but I keep saying how grateful we are to have him home and even if he can't hear us, that he's here. The fact that he is doing well with this kind of massive surgery, it is a testament to the kind of dog he is. Most of the time I know he is just the same as he always was and that comforts me, because I feared I took something away from him, but he's adapted to this new way of feeling which I'm pretty sure has to be different for him. He doesn't seem to hear what we say, but for all intents and purposes, he does just what we expect him to do, which is uncanny since we are pretty sure he can't hear what we are saying. He just does stuff that I know he didn't hear me say to do, but he does them and I think to myself, he is picking up something from somewhere and it makes me think that he is listening in a new way to us. Almost like ESP, as if I'm able to communicate with him in a different way than verbally.  We always have had a special relationship than most people have. I have a kinship with him, I feel his pain, or when he doesn't feel well or when he wants something, it's like I know without having him to show me.  Perhaps it's a sixth sense that we share with animals. I believe I've been shown that this is true and can happen. Once when I was sitting on the floor with Mack and petting him, his little sister Oreo was playing fetch with a frisbee. I would throw it and she would go get it and come back to me. But this time it went where she would not go and she sat down and started to whine. She could reach it but because she is an odd dog and has her fears that are unfounded and unexplainable, she was not about to attempt it. In frustration and in a very calm and quiet voice, I said to Mack, Oh Mack can you go get her toy for her....never thinking that he would get up, go over to the toy, pick it up and drop it at his sister's feet as he came back to me and laid back down.  It was truly amazing.  I had never asked him to do this before and he knew exactly what I wanted. It also can't be explained as just a fluke because he did what I asked without hesitation and without further prompting and by giving her the toy it was not like he thought that I wanted it. His ability to do and act on something I said to him that wasn't a command or a trick told me that there was an extraordinary intelligence working in this dog's mind.  Since then he's learned to do so many things by only showing him once, and sometimes without telling him at all what I want, but just doing it. Even if he can't "hear" me in the traditional sense of the word, he still 'gets' it.  No matter what I ask he does it without needing to hear me say it and that is truly amazing.  As one person said, they pick up their cues from things we can't even see, so this has to be what he does.  The to and fro of life in general would be confusing enough but somehow he has this sixth sense to allow him to know what is next for us and for him.  A truly amazing and intelligent dog and we are so blessed to have him coming back to his old self.
Love you little Diggie Dog Mack, you bright little dog you~

Sweet Relief

I've been remiss in following up with the vet visit but before I go on to describe it and the day, please let me thank the Lord for my vet. and for the great staff at her clinic and to my Lord, praise be goes to Him for Mack's healthy stitches inside his mouth!
It was the most amazing thing to see and I was thrilled that she let me observe the procedure, even though I was a bit scared about it all. The inside looked as good as the outside, even better.  They had to put him out but they used half the dose they normally do which meant that he was going to come out of it pretty fast so I went in and she opened up his mouth, tested the area in the back of his mouth and said it was just a fold of gum they used to close the area.  The stitches were all in tact and he had pink gums going all the way from the front to the very back of his mouth, as healthy as can be.  What a relief.  He started to wake up and move around and his little feet were moving like he was swimming or walking along. The vet. said he would do that for a short time but that if I kept him in my lap and wrapped him up, he'd gradually come to. It was scary in that you want him to be awake right away and not have his head loll to one side or appear as if he wasn't breathing. But we sat there for about a half hour and suddenly he lifted his head and started sitting up. He turned his head towards me and looked as if he was trying to say how did you get here?  It was pretty funny.  He really was in shock that it was me holding him when it was someone else just a minute ago for him.  He was ready to go by the time we left there with more antibiotics and a substance to put on his food that will aide in healing and immunity building.

Finally we came home and he ate something about an hour later and that was good since his appetite has been great. He gobbled his food down and took his pills and he was good to go.  We're not sure what he is hearing but it turns out that at times he appears to hear some things, but not all. We are testing him with whistles and he acts like he hears and then just today which is one day after the vet. had him out, I was telling him to sit in a normal voice and sure enough he did it...so this is a mystery to us. Perhaps the hearing will return, perhaps it is due to fluid in the ears, the fact that he has swelling in his ears and jaw and just recovery from all of the medications. I was loathe to keep giving him the NSAIDS since that can effect hearing as well, so we stopped those and will give them to him as needed since that is what the original vet. said to do. Those were in the orders we took home with us and we just feel that maybe seeing how he does without the pain medication will give us an idea of when he may exhibit pain or not. If we can gauge it from his behavior we'll know when to give it to him and not just give him pain medication every day.  The vets at the university said their goal was not to have Mack on any pain medications at all and to stop them when we felt he was doing better and we think he is doing better. Our vet here wanted us to continue giving them for the inflammation but it's been nearly a week now and from what we can see there isn't a ton of swelling in his face or his jaw, so we decided to hold off on the pain medication for a while. It can be rough on his stomach and if we ever need it to work we don't want him to become inured to it. They can build up a tolerance to the pain medications just like we can so it was a decision that both Bob and I felt we could make safely since the other vets thought he could go without them within a week.  I think once the stitches are out any pain he has will not be due to the surgical site.  He might have pain from his knee and being older but not a chronic pain like he probably had with a tumor in his mouth.
 
We are thrilled he is doing so well but we are also very guarded about his future but we are with him and he is with us and that is what matters most. The best Christmas present I got this year is having him home with us. That is what a great gift is all about, the gift of life.
One little dog's life and I feel blessed. Thank you Lord again for my little Mack. He is a wonder and a trouper and all these things wrapped up with a bow!
Merry Christmas little Diggie Dog, you go boy!

Going Under Again

Since Mack's surgery it's been hard to gauge how well he's doing since we are with him all the time. You really can't see improvement until you've been away from him for a while or someone else who knows him sees the changes.  Minute changes are hard to tell close up. But over the weekend I kept noticing a distinct smell that was there when we picked him up from the hospital and then I noticed that he was sneezing a ton with rather copious amounts of fluid dripping from his nose. Nothing coming from the mouth, just coming from the nose and one eye opposite to the surgery, had a bit of a pus in it.  He hasn't been sleeping as fitfully as he had when he first came home, but then again that was from all the medications, pain killers, and lack of sleep at the hospital.  I'm sure the aftereffects of anesthesia had a lot to do with his heavy sleeping and I'm sure there is still some residual left from the sedation working itself out of his system.  Sleeping a lot was to be expect, so when he was a little more restless last night I began to wonder if something was going on.  Unfortunately we decided to stop the pain medications for one day to see how well he would do without them and by the time we were thinking of giving him one, he hadn't had anything to eat for hours. Never a good thing to give on an empty stomach and sometimes a treat is not enough on the stomach to give a heavy duty pain medication enough coating.  He has not had pain medication since Sunday and we are sorry we didn't give him one last night.
I decided to contact the oncologist on call at the University with my concerns and she suggested that he be examined by our regular veterinarian and if she felt she needed to have a look inside his mouth that he would probably have to be sedated to have it done.  It was not good news to hear that he would have to face being put under again, but instead of worrying about this and wondering, we decided to take him to our vet this morning.  She will do the sedation this afternoon and invited me to come watch her examine him so we could both see what was going on in his mouth.  If there is a small fissure she thinks it will close on its own, but if it's larger than a small hole, then she thinks the University should be the ones to perform the repair. I am praying we don't see a hole...
I decided to leave him there for the morning, because he would just be upset about going back in a few hours and he can't have anything to eat and I know he'd be waiting and wondering all morning why he wasn't getting anything to eat. As I left the clinic he was howling. I hated to do it to him because he knows the clinic as a place he doesn't want to be.  It's a shame because he never had a fear of being left but because he can't hear and is constantly looking for us for cues and security, this is torture for him.  Dr. O. assured me that it would be a relatively quick procedure and it would only take a minute or less to look inside his mouth and examine his nose and he would come out of it pretty quickly. I hate that we are having to do this to him since it will mean another 24 hour recovery from the effects, but if we don't do it and there is something going in, then we've let it get a foothold.  We can't afford to have an infection in his mouth and we can't afford to have a hole.  Two things that would complicate his recovery for sure.
A bit of comfort came to me when I brought him in this morning though, because when I showed them his face and called him the Frankendog, they admonished me by saying oh no, he looks great and it's not that bad and the incision looks great and he looks good.  The vet. said it appears to be healthy healing all the way around. We can hope this is the way it will continue. If he has this much progress, it means nothing more will have to be done. We are praying for healing gums and incisions that look as good as the one on the outside.

Consequences

This is so hard to take and I am going to have to wrap my mind around this and that is today we have confirmed that our little Diggie Dog is now deaf.  We didn't recall anyone saying this could be an outcome of his surgery but it appears this is a phenomenon of having surgery on the jaw.  We realized that he wasn't hearing us when we tried to wake him up and he didn't even come out of his stupor.  We had to lift him up and he woke up.  Throughout the day we began to test the theory that he couldn't hear and sure enough, he is deaf.  Just breaks my heart and I'm so sad I can't think of anything more awful than this and I don't know why it bothers me so much other than I can't imagine him not being able to hear anything anymore.  My husband, ever the optimist, says maybe it will return but I've since read a few research papers that say it is usually permanent.  I originally wondered if it was the NSAIDs he was being given for pain, but it seems the surgery is the logical explanation.

He acts like the same dog at times and he is relying on his being able to see our faces to know what we want and what we want from him, but sadly they said that he will lose his sight close up and only be able to see far away so there is that issue coming down the pike. But then again, there are dogs who are deaf and do just fine so I have to remember that it's not that bad a thing. He will always be able to sleep and he will probably stop barking at everything that moves since he won't be able to hear it happening like his sister does. He was always the first to bark and then she would chime in, now it will be just her barking that we will contend with.  On one hand it's ok and on the other it's scary, because what if we need his attention right away and he can't hear us? When he was a little puppy he was sitting by a snake in the yard and I caught sight of it and he didn't, and I remember yelling to him, COME MACK and he ran to me...the snake slithered away and he never knew that it was there. What if he can't hear me when I need him to come? What will it be like not to hear our voices saying we love you Mack...all these things are swirling in my mind...I don't like it.  I'm sad and this was not told to us as we contemplated his surgery. But I have to tell myself that we would have gone ahead anyway, since this was cancer we were dealing with, not a teeth cleaning procedure.  It is what it will be, he will not hear us again and we will have to learn new ways to communicate with him so he knows what we want and how much we love him. Thank God for petting and hugging, those are things he loves.

Who knew we were trying to save his life and would end up with a mangled dog who can't hear us?
I'm still sad.

Home

This was not the way we had imagined being home would be like because we didn't know what to expect but here is how part of our day went in retrieving our dog from the hospital:

We were called in the early am on Thursday and told that he was able to go home and we were elated. This was confirmed by the vet/student Nick who called and left a message that he was doing well and could probably come home earlier than expected. So we left around 2:00PM and arrived at the school/hospital at 3:30PM and it wasn't long before we were walked to one of the many examination rooms. There we met with Nick the student/vet and he was upbeat and happy with the outcome of the surgery and was quick to tell us what good news it was.  So we tried to remember all the things we'd learned in the last few days about this surgery and what they'd done and then we were given the word that the biopsy was still not back but that they found hard bone, then soft bone, then hard bone and didn't feel that they were related.  It would be highly unusual for bone cancer to "skip" to another bone in the same area and it usually spreads in a much more linear fashion,  but they weren't sure what it was so they wanted to be sure with the biopsy. So we will wait on that to come in. It was a great way to start out the appointment and the client representative asked us if we minded being filmed for Nick's class project and we said we were ok with that. He had to have it in by the end of this week and we were the chosen clients. Guess good news is much easier to do as a project than bad news. We did joke that we were wondering where the hair and makeup people were and if this was going to be broadcast somewhere else besides a class~but joking aside we were very anxious to see our dog. Nothing was given to us to prepare us for the sight we saw as Nick brought in our poor little dog...grotesque would be one word to describe him, mangled, another, beat up a third. It was hard to see. I was in shock and Bob was too. If we'd been given a better idea of what this kind of surgery actually looked like, we would have been better prepared when we first saw him. He looked awful.  But that little tail was wagging and he was elated to see us, just as happy as he always is when we come home. I could still see the little dog who loves us there wanting very much to be with us and taken home. So we were able to do that...but not before bestowing on the Oncology department two books about pets and heaven. My feeling was that these new doctors are going to be dealing with pets and their owners and some comfort can be drawn from our faith in God when we face the loss of our beloved pet. This was my gift to them for taking good care of him and maybe one day they will come in handy.

So off we drove home to face the at home care we were entrusted to give him. But who knew that this little guy would not be so amenable to taking the liquid medicine they gave us.  He fought us tooth and nail and we had to resort to putting it on a piece of bread that he would eat, but with the antibiotic that was another story, thank God we had the same medication in pill form and was able to give him this in a pill pocket that he readily ate.  He ate his dinner ravenously and was at his sister's bowl looking for more. That part of his personality is still on the mark.

We unfortunately established a rather spoiled habit of his - sleeping with us on our bed...that turned out just what he wanted to do and of course I let him sleep there for a little while while I read...but then I was so tired and his snoring and gurgling and snuffing was pretty loud so I figured that he'd be much better off in the crate...only problem was he was having none of this either.  He lasted an hour, or rather I did because he whined. Little whines, crying, whimpering, whatever you call it and the next thing you knew he was with me on the bed. He was happy, I was beat. So I figured well what can I do? So I searched out a pair of earplugs that my poor husband keeps on hand for him and my snoring and put them in. I found out if I lay on my left side I can't hear much because of hearing loss in that ear, so I finally fell asleep. He won.

So far, it's been relatively "easy" to take care of him, three pills a day at 12 hour intervals and then we can wean him off of those in a few more days. They said eventually we'll only give him pain medication as needed, so we are prepared to not have to give him much in the next week or so, or at least until we have the stitches out. He will get those our on the day after Christmas, what a great present that will be for him. Anything to get the dreaded cone off!

I am going to document his "recovery" and changing face because that will show a significant difference to us over time. He has no hair so that will have to grow out and from that we'll see more of the "old" Mack.  I hope that the oncology department will accept my final photos to have on hand if someone else faces this situation...maybe it will help in the shock department. Now I totally understand why the oncologist kept saying he will look normal once some time has passed, because he sure doesn't look normal now...a few weeks or months and he will,  but for now, he's the Frankendog...
Here's his photo and hopefully no one will be really grossed out by it, but it's the way he looks.
We still love the little fur face no matter what he looks like~

Post Surgery News

I have to say we skipped an entire day while he was in surgery on Tuesday.  It's ok though, because sometimes it's more difficult to relay things as they happen and better to relay it as a past event.  At least you get impressions and thoughts that fill in the blanks afterwards.

Here's the scoop:  he went into surgery around 1:00PM on the 10th and was out and in recovery around 4:00PM. Not that they did surgery the entire time, but we heard from the chief vet. as to the outcome of the surgery probably around 3:30PM but the time doesn't really matter.  He was out of the surgery and doing ok. Those were the words we wanted to hear. The other words were not so great.  I have to say the pit in my stomach felt like a cavern once I heard what the doctor said and I wanted to ask more questions but he was obviously trying to stave them off until we really knew "more" as he said, his last words to me were stay positive...

So here is what they ended up doing, which to me seems a bit like we didn't know the whole truth going into it but they tried to be up front about what they were intending on doing, but as he said, we are going to do all we can to get clean margins, whatever it takes, so we have to accept that what ended up happening was a variation on the theme.

They removed most of the upper right portion of his jaw.  They took out the cheek bone which was not part of the original plan and they severed or removed, I'm not sure which, the nerves running along the area where the cheek bone was, another part that was unknown at the time. They removed the canine tooth in the front all the way to the back tooth and then closed it up and he was done.  The vet's statement was, we are "relatively" pleased with the reconstruction portion of the surgery, meaning what they took out, but when they were cleaning out the bone under the eye, the bone that makes up the eye socket was "soft" bone...they biopsied it and we have not heard back what it is. The vet. said, I'm not sure what it is, that's why we did the biopsy, but stay positive...so we have been staying as positive as we can,  given that we didn't know he'd lose his cheek bone, or have the nerves severed or find soft bone...the vet was in a hurry to get another surgery done, and he said, I will talk to you again.  But up until today (Wednesday)we haven't heard back from him.

Now to the evening of the same day as surgery, we hear from the vet/student Rick that Mack is somewhat awake, on pain meds, and they will attempt to give him some food that night.  Apparently this is much earlier than expected to try this, but they are concerned about his ability to actually open his mouth now.  So we don't hear that he actually ate some food that night, 12 hours after surgery, until the following day, but given that they said within 24 hours, this is pretty darn good to hear that they are at least attempting this so early.   This is one tough and very hungry boy.

Wednesday morning, post surgery and almost right on time at 8:30AM, Rick, student/vet. calls and says that Mack has been able to eat soft food with some kibble thrown in, gone to the bathroom, walked outside in the rain, but no bowel movement, but seems to be tolerating the food and they feel good about his recovery so far.  Good way to start the day but he says he will definitely call us later on.

Later on Wednesday right on time at 6:00PM, Rick calls and says that Mack's doing very well. He's on target to have the fluids reduced by half, the pain meds converted to pill form, the food intake is good, he is walking fine and seemingly ok at this point. When asked about the biopsy from the surgery I suddenly feel as if he is evasive and knows the answer but says he doesn't have that information. I have a sixth sense that he does know but is not allowed to tell me, so he quickly says that he will be seeing Dr. Bacon and discussing this with him and also whether Mack is on schedule to come home on Thursday, Friday or Sat.  We will wait and see, they seem to have long hours and exhausting situations and that is probably why we haven't heard back from Dr. Bacon, but it is a bit disconcerting to not know what we're dealing with. I would pray that Dr. Bacon would be willing to tell us the truth, so that we can absorb it and accept it and I would prefer to know what we face, long before coming to pick him up so we can mourn in our own way at home. But still there is no answer on the biopsy. I don't like having to go up there and be given the bad news in a strange place when I first see my dog. But alas this may be the case.

Fast forward to early evening of the same day and they've done their rounds so we receive our third call from Rick the student/vet and he tells us that Mack is doing so well that he can come home tomorrow as soon as we can come up.  This is really great news, but for some reason I've taken this news as bad.  I haven't heard directly from the chief veterinarian about the biopsy and I feel that maybe they are getting Mack to us as fast as they can, so I ask Rick about this and if this isn't too soon. He assures me that they are not "rushing" him out and that he will do much better at home and he doesn't need the hospital care now.  If he can eat and drink on his own, then he will do better at home where he can rest because there is a lot of activity at the hospital and it's a strange environment for them, so they really don't sleep that well there. I'm suspicious of this explanation and I kind of wait for the other shoe to drop, as if I'm waiting for him to tell me that they really want him home because he doesn't have much time left and we need to have him with us, or that time is short so come get him...I can't help but go there since we are still in the dark about the biopsy and even in this conversation no mention is made of my previous question. It's as if Rick is hoping I won't ask about it again and I don't.  He doesn't volunteer either.  So we are going up there not knowing the outcome of the biopsy and that is ominous on it's own.  If it had been good news, they would have shared that with us and given us a huge thumbs up as to his prognosis, but I don't get that impression.

So we will pick up our poor beaten up and rather ravaged dog and take him home with his bottles of pills and instructions on how to care for him and we will probably find out then what they didn't want to tell us before...It makes our decision to do this all the more difficult to accept because the outcome was less than expected, he lost more than we thought, and we face the idea that the surgery, although his last chance, was not enough.  It breaks our hearts, but then again we have to remember that we had nothing else to try and this was our only chance. We did it for him, to give him the most chance that was left, which now that we're here, wasn't all that much. It will be rough to think about his having to deal with the loss of half his jaw, nerve damage and other awful effects, but we must remember that he has osteosarcoma, and that isn't going away.  We will at the very least have him home to give him hugs and be the only comfort he has. He'll be home and we pray that will be enough for the days ahead.

Waiting

We just got the call that Mack has gone into surgery...

It's been a few days since the last post and mostly because thankfully in between all the other things in life, there hasn't been anything of significance going on with the Diggie Dog.  He is his usual self, sleeping well, eating fine, and relatively happy for the most part. We were the ones waiting and counting down the days till the appointment at the University on Monday the 11th.

That was one long day.  We were up before daylight, got the little girl her breakfast, packed up Mack for the drive and left at 7:00AM for the drive up there.  It was a gorgeous morning with mist and fog hanging low on the fields and Mack was so tired, he slept most of the way, quiet and snuggled in his blanket.  In fact he didn't even leap out of bed when I got out of bed because he was sound asleep. Too early for the little guy.  We arrived almost an hour earlier than our appointment but better early than late.  We were ready for the bathroom, something to eat and as it turned out there just happened to be an Einstein's Bagels right there in the building, so that took care of the rumbling stomachs.  Funnily enough when he had his biopsy procedure, I ended up eating and waiting at an Einstein's Bagel restaurant until he as ready to go home.  Kind of comforting to see that as an omen that all would be ok.

Their system is pretty much state of the art, so we checked in and the liaison came out to let us know they knew about us, that we'd be called soon and to relax and wait in their waiting area. This was a huge, atrium like area with two kinds of chairs, one with a table and one without and they were placed in rows along side of palm trees and tall glass ceilings and of course tile all over the place. Three flat screen televisions were placed along different walls and we sat near a guy who was just sitting there with no pet, just waiting on someone and eventually he came over to pet Mack who graciously let him pat him on the head.  He told us he was a graduate of the Univ. vet. program and he asked about Mack.  He was encouraging, just said this was the place to be.  The liaison was a cute, tiny little girl with very short black hair and was just adorable and I liked her the minute I met her. She told us she was our case manager and liaison and she would be the one to contact if we had any questions. She took us to a room then and told us what to expect and had us sign paperwork, etc. We waited just a little while and another vet. came in. Of course with any teaching hospital, you aren't going to always see the main veterinarian right away and this was our student vet. who would be with us for the entire time.  He again explained most of what we could expect from the teaching hospital and then asked us pointed questions about Mack, took our information and then said he'd be reviewing the films, looking at the x-rays, and calling the other vet. for the rest of the information.  All the time letting us know the time and how much more time we needed to wait. True to their word, they were spot on with the timing.  After they got it all together and had reviewed what they needed to, then the main vet. came in and we finally met the vet. that I'd been emailing.  We again liked him right away, just like the liaison and just like the student veterinarian, all great people.  They took Mack to the CAT scan and told us it wouldn't be for a while, so we decided to leave and I called a dear friend of mine to let her know we were in town.  The sweet thing dropped what she was doing and came to get us and drove us all over the town, took us to her home, then said let's get lunch and dropped us back at the hospital. What a great way to spend the waiting hours and by the time we came back, they were ready to talk with us.  Of course by now it's closer to four and we have a two hour drive yet, but once we got the news and had the results of the CAT scan, there was nothing more to do but decide what to do based on what the doctor said.
And so he is in surgery as I write this.
Simply put, the tumor wasn't going to get any smaller and the only way to give him a chance was to remove it.  It was his only option.  We both looked at each other, asked him when it could be done, found out the schedule the doctor had and agreed to have him do the surgery the next day.  It was that fast.  Both of us felt in our hearts at the exact moment that this was the way to go. No ifs or buts, this was it.  So we wait now to hear from the student veterinarian Rick when Mack is in recovery.  Another waiting game, another tense few hours, another few days of anxiety about his care and well being, then we can take him home. He will be there till Friday or Saturday and we will be there to hug and kiss him and bring him home to us. Recovery is approximately four weeks, then we'll see how well he does with eating and the stitches, and just the overall time it takes for him to get back to normal.  It may not cure him, more than likely we bought him more time, but we have to believe, because we both came to it at the same time, that this was the answer we needed.  Come on Diggie Dog~

Waking Up to Bad Thoughts

Usually I can wake up to calm and good thoughts, especially when I turn over and see my Diggie Dog  beside me on his back waiting for belly rubs or when he's trying desperately to lick my face and particularly my nose and eyes, which I assiduously try to avoid him doing. But today I woke up with bad thoughts, which counter all the other good thoughts I've had in the last few days.  It always starts with a little thought and grows to bigger ones that probably aren't even based in reality but you can't help but go there. As I said, I don't want to 'go' there but something must have triggered my subconscious thought processes and now I'm going "there". "There" is a bad place, an image that was filled with pain and the awfulness of his situation. I couldn't help it I guess because I was once again checking his gums and his face and kept feeling that it was looking worse to me, but then it didn't seem worse, he hasn't been worse, and to all others he would appear to be ok.  Those thoughts ran the gamut from he'll be cured and the lump will go down and completely disappear to it will grow beyond his eye and rupture and the only reason we will put him to sleep is to save him from intolerable pain, but the only thing "wrong" with him is that his jaw is involved.  Seems like that would be a terrible decision to make because he would be "basically" a healthy dog, with a good heart, good lungs, good kidneys and the only thing "failing" would be this lump that is so close to his eye and jaw.

It seems eerily similar to the cat we once had to put to sleep a year before we got Diggie Dog. The cat, Fawn, was an 8 year old and the love of our lives. She was a rare and unusual cat.  We believe she was a Hemingway kitty from Key West, those that Hemingway, the author, loved to breed because of their six toes.  One day she just came out of nowhere and visited our house and would visit us through the night and be gone the next morning. This went on for a few weeks, until one day, I saw her walking along the very busy highway, coming to our house. That night I decided she wasn't going to risk walking that highway again and we took her into our home along with the other three we owned at the time. About three weeks later, Hurricane Andrew hit where we were living and if she'd been outside, she wouldn't have made it. So she became ours and was the most loving and unusual cat I've ever owned.  Sadly eight years later she began suffering what was obviously kidney failure and we had to have one of her kidneys removed and when they removed it they said that it was deformed.  Unfortunately the other kidney was too.  We had no way of knowing this and due to the failure of the one kidney and then going down to the last one, her blood tests were indicating her values were rising and she was in complete kidney failure.  The veterinarian we had at the time recommended we consider putting her to sleep and yet this cat was perky, alive, loving, eating well, happy and otherwise acting like any other normal cat other than she had no kidney function left.  We took what looked like a healthy 8 year old cat in to have her put to sleep and it was the worst experience I've ever had and never want to repeat. She screamed a horrible, terrible, gut wrenching, nightmarish sounding scream...I left the room sobbing as my poor husband helped them to control her enough to give her an injection first.  I finally came back in but she was pretty much gone, glassy eyed and didn't know I was there. I swore at the time she knew we were putting her down. She knew we were giving up on her and she was being taken away.  It was the most disturbing thing I've ever done to any animal and I will not repeat that experience.

So to say this is similar is scary to me.  A somewhat perfect dog is put to sleep because of something in his mouth. It boggles my mind and yet I can't fathom letting him suffer in any way because that is our responsibility to him. With Fawn, she wasn't "suffering" but she was living with a failed kidney. We were responsible to her for helping her but when there is no hope you have to begin to live with the reality that this is the best she's going to be and the worst is surely going to come.  It could end up being the same thing for Mack, this is the best you're going to have right now and what if you wait too long?  Then you've let the little guy suffer in a way you never intended.

Bad thoughts, I know.  There they go again going off on their own tangent.  The arc of issues is wide and long and we can't know them until we actually experience them. This is something I have to remember, because in my heart I let Fawn go too soon, there were good days left, but I let fear of pain and suffering color my decision and there were things we could have done for her and I realize that now. She was telling me in her scream not to give up on her and I have to remember this with Mack, not to give in too soon to the fear but deal with reality.
Today is a good day.

Imagination or Reality?

I think sometimes your imagination plays tricks on you but today it doesn't seem to be that at all. I'm not imagining the fact that Mack is much, much quieter than usual today. When I came home he didn't greet me like I was a returning lost soul and he quickly went in and laid down again. He is not following me around from room to room either, waiting and wondering where I'm going to land and he didn't sleep with Bob for his afternoon "lay down" for the second time... He managed to come out for the crunchy pita chips we eat but other than that, he's not acting like the "old" Diggie. This is a more "depressed" Diggie today.

As I walked out of the office today I told the secretary that maybe I was just in denial about all this. We have the oncologist appointment scheduled on Monday and this is Friday. I told her that maybe that was the only way I could cope and she agreed. Until we know more, don't go there, which seems ok until you see him not acting right and then those scared, fearful and uncertain feelings come over you like a steam roller.  We are trying so hard to keep these anxious feelings at bay.  If not then you overwhelm yourself with that unsettling sense of uncertainty and fear that has no remedy. It consumes you and makes you feel terrible. I don't think he fears the unknown and he's going along with well, today I'm kind of tired...no other need to consider why or if there is something wrong in his mind. He doesn't "go" there.

So I am trying very hard to view him through his eyes, rather than the worried mother's eyes when she sees her child flush with fever and pink cheeks.  He doesn't have anxiety for the future and certainly if you feel these awful feelings maybe they can be felt by your pets. They say they pick up on your sadness and fear and other emotions we're probably not aware of and if that is the case then we need to cultivate a more zen like attitude for sure.

I'm not going there until I'm forced there, that will be my motto from now on, even though I know those fearful thoughts can't help but creep in when I notice tiny signs of discomfort or change in his behavior, or maybe my mind is playing tricks on me and there isn't anything "different". Maybe he is the same inside and feeling fine, but getting inside the head of a dog is a mighty undertaking. He is not going to tell me when he is in pain or uncomfortable so it's the guessing game and I don't want to guess incorrectly, but for the moment, we aren't going to go there. Love you little Diggie Dog.

Marking Time

We are marking time till December 10th and it feels as if it can't get here soon enough. I don't relish having to put him to sleep for even a minute of his life, but it will be necessary for him to go through the CAT scan. But then we'll know. At least having to do this forces us to make a decision as to care and treatment options. We can move on with our desire to make sure he is comfortable and that he doesn't have any discomfort or pain.

Tantamount to all of this is, we do not want his joy in life to be diminished in any way.  Even over the last few days, which we fear are going way too fast, he has exhibited some indications of discomfort but we can't judge it as such. He sleeps like a log, has regular breathing patterns, runs outside chasing after unseen cats, leaps from the bed to get at the mention of a treat and follows me around to find out what I'm doing. He greets us at the door with his usual greeting and dances for his dinner.  How do you judge if his spirit is diminishing? Can one see into their eyes and know it's time? I pray so and we pray when it is the time to say our final goodbyes that we're able to clearly gaze into his eyes and make our way to the end of his life. I hope he doesn't know what we're doing at that time. They say sometimes they sense the sadness that is around them, so I try not to act on those fears and sadness. I speak with him with love and devotion and I laugh when he does something funny and I am joyful when we greet, all the time in my heart grieving for the time when this all ends. I hope they can't sense the underlying emotions we are having as we go through the process of saying our goodbyes. Our hope is that when it's time, he'll ask us to let him go in a clear and uncompromising way.

For now we relish the time we have him with us. He lies sleeping on his favorite blanket now with the heater running not far from him and he is warm and safe. He is perky and alert and follows us around  and sits in my husband's lap for a while while he does his favorite thing, which is chew on the sides of my husband's fingers as if he's enjoying a fine new bone!  We are not sure what pleasure he derives from this, but oddly enough it's on the side with the spot that we're worried about. He doesn't seem to mind chewing on it or eating on that side, so we are amazed at that since they say it's very painful. So we shake our heads and wonder if we're dealing with something totally not cancerous. We pray we find that out and perhaps there is a miracle brewing out there.

Our holidays may or may not be a joyful occasion depending on the outcome of the tests, but for now we are thankful for the precious time we have with him and for the love he gives us. We pray he knows that he's adored.

Lost Password Moment

Imagine writing a whole year's blog and then not being able to access the account to claim it~almost happened when I signed in to what I thought was my blog only to find no blogs on file. Yet I could see the blog on line, whew that would have been heart wrenching to say the least because in reality you don't save the content you write, but now I wonder if I shouldn't! But crisis averted when I realized I was using the wrong account.

So I can only say that we don't have gobs of news on the Diggie Dog saga.  The x-rays were done, he was so cooperative that they didn't need to put him to sleep for it so he was perky and ready to leave when I got him. Looking at previous x-rays and talking to his vet. we didn't seem to feel this had much to do with his jaw issue. The fact is those spots were there two years ago and as she said, if he had lung cancer to that degree, he wouldn't be with us now. A miracle walking in that case~

After the inconclusive x-rays, we decided to head on up to the veterinarian university and schedule the CAT scan and a consultation with the veterinarian who was kind enough to answer me by email and was willing to talk with us. I think given the circumstances we're in with Mack, this is the best next step, to be evaluated by the people who are learning and working on cures and helping animals and who have had the most experience with dealing in things like this.

As part of my research and learning curve I've joined two groups, one a kind of forum for dogs with cancer and another on Facebook who are both great sources of information on what other pet owners have faced.  At times though, there are more bad posts than good ones about the deaths of pets that their owners tried valiantly to save. The did all they could do and they still lose the dog, sometimes after the poor things have suffered enough surgeries and medications to last five lifetimes. I truly cannot imagine putting my dog through some of what they've done. I'm not being critical of their choices, but I'm well aware of the procedures they're talking about and the noxious drugs they're using out there.  This is a huge deal for me to take him for the CAT scan because we have to be so careful with his herniation in his neck that we can't risk further damage, something that has to be impressed on the technicians. We will be sure to put huge red notes on his file to be careful with hyper extension of his neck. Not to mention the amount of radiation to his little body...I'm not a fan of CAT scans for myself, having had tons during my bout with uterine cancer, so this is a huge deal for me to decide to do this.

The last few days have been hard to put anything into the blog. It is simply because it is a matter of absorption. I have to put it all together in my mind to clarify the issues in front of me. I'm a serial thinker, one step at a time. If my boss gives me a job, I have to actually put it on paper and kind of let it marinate before I can tackle it. It isn't going to work if I just plow into it. Same with the little Mack, we aren't plowing into something until it makes sense and has a purpose. He is doing really well with the new diet and the next step is super antioxidants and vitamins and for the most part lots of kisses and hugs. But that is only the first step in this process. The next step has to be considered, filed away and thought on and then we go from there. One of the next steps was getting him the CAT scan, which I know will serve to clarify things further, one step at a time.

The hardest part is allowing him to sleep with me! That has taken it's toll on my sleeping and for obvious reasons. Anyone who has ever had a dog in their bed, and I am not referring to a husband or wife, knows about the little paws of love kicking you in the back and the loss of mattress territory that goes with that. It's tough to actually have possession of a full bed by the time the night is over. I once woke up with my full body possessing about 1/8th of the bed and my head off the pillow where I promptly turned over only to find my dog's head on my pillow~He's not that big a dog, maybe 11 pounds, but you would think he was huge given the ability to take over the mattress. But would I trade that time with him, absolutely not, would I begrudge the little guy the pillow, no way, he's mine and I love his quirky, dog behaviors, and I will treasure them as we move along, to the next step in our journey.

Baby steps...