Marking Time

We are marking time till December 10th and it feels as if it can't get here soon enough. I don't relish having to put him to sleep for even a minute of his life, but it will be necessary for him to go through the CAT scan. But then we'll know. At least having to do this forces us to make a decision as to care and treatment options. We can move on with our desire to make sure he is comfortable and that he doesn't have any discomfort or pain.

Tantamount to all of this is, we do not want his joy in life to be diminished in any way.  Even over the last few days, which we fear are going way too fast, he has exhibited some indications of discomfort but we can't judge it as such. He sleeps like a log, has regular breathing patterns, runs outside chasing after unseen cats, leaps from the bed to get at the mention of a treat and follows me around to find out what I'm doing. He greets us at the door with his usual greeting and dances for his dinner.  How do you judge if his spirit is diminishing? Can one see into their eyes and know it's time? I pray so and we pray when it is the time to say our final goodbyes that we're able to clearly gaze into his eyes and make our way to the end of his life. I hope he doesn't know what we're doing at that time. They say sometimes they sense the sadness that is around them, so I try not to act on those fears and sadness. I speak with him with love and devotion and I laugh when he does something funny and I am joyful when we greet, all the time in my heart grieving for the time when this all ends. I hope they can't sense the underlying emotions we are having as we go through the process of saying our goodbyes. Our hope is that when it's time, he'll ask us to let him go in a clear and uncompromising way.

For now we relish the time we have him with us. He lies sleeping on his favorite blanket now with the heater running not far from him and he is warm and safe. He is perky and alert and follows us around  and sits in my husband's lap for a while while he does his favorite thing, which is chew on the sides of my husband's fingers as if he's enjoying a fine new bone!  We are not sure what pleasure he derives from this, but oddly enough it's on the side with the spot that we're worried about. He doesn't seem to mind chewing on it or eating on that side, so we are amazed at that since they say it's very painful. So we shake our heads and wonder if we're dealing with something totally not cancerous. We pray we find that out and perhaps there is a miracle brewing out there.

Our holidays may or may not be a joyful occasion depending on the outcome of the tests, but for now we are thankful for the precious time we have with him and for the love he gives us. We pray he knows that he's adored.