Confusion...

Since the last writing not much has been going on by way of the little Mackster's health issues but then again we are just so happy to have him doing well and feeling great. The only issue has been the itching and red spots that continually come up to bother him and we have tried everything we can to make him more comfortable. If we could find the one thing that would rid him of all these spots that he licks till they are bleeding, we'd be one step closer to ensuring that he was truly comfortable. But ever since we moved to this house nearly two years ago and specifically to this yard, this has become an issue.  We never noticed this in the old yard. So whatever it is, it has to be plant based and in abundance.  Every year we go through this and during the winter months, he gets a reprieve.  But we've had such a warm winter, everything is blooming as if it's Spring already. I wish I had a magic pill to give him to to make this go away, but sadly the only thing is an antihistamine tablet every twelve hours.  Usually not enough to end the hot spots from happening though.
His hair is growing out pretty well, but unfortunately he will always have a slightly lopsided look to his face. If they were trying to comfort us with saying we'd be the only ones to ever know he had the surgery, they were wrong.  But that is ok, we love him anyway~
The only other issue we have with him is that he is constantly in need of going outside, when he never was much into it before, now it's every five minutes. He wants to go out and sit on the deck. I know this was a great place for him before but he would go out, lay down and pretty quickly want back in after a short time, but now, it's go out, stay there for a little while, lay down then get back up and want in which is similar to before but very different now because as soon as he's back in for less than five minutes, he wants back out to do the same thing all over again.  It goes on like this for hours and days, we can't figure out what it is that he wants and we keep trying to understand Diggie Dog language we don't apparently speak.  Sometimes I wonder what it's about, this separation that he so desires.  Yet, when I'm anywhere in the house, from one end of the house to the other, he HAS to be there with me. There is no just leaving him in one room while I go to another, even if for three minutes or less, he gets up and trots along with me so that he is within eyesight of me.  If he's trying to give me clues as to his need to be away, this behavior says differently, but at the same time when he's outside, I don't necessarily have to be there with him while he's on the deck, so this causes great confusion. I feel as if I'm always trying to read his behavior and translate it so I can give him what he wants, but just as a child isn't sure of what they want at times, you just keep guessing and trying new things. The attachment issue I can understand since he doesn't hear as well as he did before, this could cause the need to follow my lead, but there are times when that isn't an issue at all. Especially if he is interested in getting his food taken care of, then I don't exist!  And he isn't in need of seeing me at all, just Bob making his dinner up for him~
So we are trying to learn a new language we aren't sure we will ever understand and trying very hard to please a dog who can't speak. I wish we knew how to give him what he wanted but I feel like I'm failing every time he looks at me with those big brown eyes and seems to be saying, do something.
Maybe it's the skin issues, maybe it's the jaw, maybe it's pain, maybe it's boredom, who knows. I hope in the days we have ahead of us that I find out some clue that gives me the right answer and maybe then we'll get Mack the Diggie Dog on an even keel that he's happy with and we are too.

Musings On A Little Dog's Greeting

I thought it would be a while before I felt the need to post something, but as it turns out, this would not be a very good journal of time without something every so often, and especially since it involves the mighty Diggie Dog.

It comes to mind how much I miss him during the day when I'm gone.  In fact the first thing I think of when I'm coming home is that I can't wait for him to greet me, with his wagging tail; his front feet out in front of him with his butt in the air; or sometimes a soft little sound that is half howl and yawn, not quite a full greeting and of course his warm brown eyes looking up at me saying it's so good you are home. He usually sidles up to me with his body as close as he can get, all 11 pounds of him along my legs, so that I can pet him like crazy. It's such a great feeling to have him here and ok.  He sometimes doesn't know I've come home because of his hearing loss and I can often sneak in and catch him in his bed in Bob's office, but sometimes he picks up cues his sister is giving out and knows that something is happening. He will greet me at the door then, especially if his sister Oreo begins a more insistent bark that is more like a heralding of the return of someone important. He seems to know to come to the garage door rather than the front door because his sister Oreo is not going to the front door but instead stays in the bedroom and barks her warning.  A weird habit of hers that has no rhyme or reason to it, but it means that she knows someone is coming from the garage door and not the front door and she knows the difference. Mack must also know the same thing.  ... But it doesn't happen all the time as it did before his surgery.  He is like a beacon of light where you are drawn to it and that is my Mack. He is a true beacon of light and love.

For him I wish I knew what he thought about when we're not there, it would be fascinating to know.  I don't imagine there is such a thing as boredom with them, but maybe I'm wrong...but I imagine that he lives for the time when we are there. In fact when I'm home, he has to be where I am.  I don't know who said it but they said that because he is hard of hearing he will probably become more "needy" and "clingy" .  I do see this in him;  but I can't figure out why it's so important that he have me where he can see me at all times since he never did this before his surgery. I can only imagine that it has something to do with his hearing loss.  If I leave a room, he comes with me, if I go to someplace in the house, he is there, if I sit down, he wants to be sitting next to me, if I lay down, he wants to be there as well.  It is not particularly a "neediness" that is confining or bothersome, but you have a constant shadow beside you that makes you think what will I do when that shadow is gone? You can't help but think it and feel the desolation that goes along with that awful thought.  I have had him since he was 8 months old and at this point it's been 13 years of greetings and love.  How can you imagine not having it? I can't.

So today I'm thankful for that greeting of love.  I am thankful that he gets his cues from his little sister and that even though he can't "hear" us at times, he still greets us with the same enthusiasm he did years before and before the surgery and hearing loss. Thankful that he is my little dog that wags his tail and sits as close as he can by me, as a reminder that he's still with us, still loving us, still needing us. I couldn't ask for more and believe me when I say, I look forward to the same greeting for years to come.

The New and Improved Diggie Dog

I haven't written since my last posting and I guess that's a good sign because thankfully he is the same if not a bit better. He runs now, he eats like a starving dog, he loves to cuddle, he is responding to our calls, even if it's only 50% of the time, and he is the dog he was before. He is showing much more curiosity about the world around him and seems to love the new patio furniture he can jump on from the ottoman.  He leaps without issue.

The hair is finally growing in and and we had him groomed to even him out a bit, which did a wonderful job of giving him a more "normal" look. He will eventually have more hair on one side of his face, but I have a feeling it's going to be a rather dark area there. I haven't figured out how he's going to get to a place on his face that is a literal fold in the skin. I have some concern that he will have a cleaning out issue there. So will have to be sure to ask our vet. about that. We do have a hard time dealing with the issue that our regular vet. is only available on Wed. and Sat. so we have to be prayerful that we can afford to make appointments during the times she's there, or we'll have to consider going to someone else. We both do not want to do that, but we may be forced to in order to get the necessary drugs and vitamins that he takes or when dealing with something other than the usual.  We'll have to discuss this with our vet. and see if she has a solution. We never did take our other dog Oreo to the old vet., so she's free to go without needing her records and maybe that is what I'll do. If I take her to a new vet then we'll establish her with someone we can use in case of an emergency.

Here's how he's looking these days...

As you can see, he has that cute smirk...

The picture above is post surgery of 4 weeks, a little over a month from the day he had surgery. There will always be some issues with his eye. They told us that it would more than likely weep a bit more than the other one, when they told us first that it would tend to be "drier". So it's pretty obvious that the entire side of his face has been compromised as far as sinus and drainage. He does ok, we have to remember to wipe his eye out and I'll have to find some gentle wipes to use. Haven't had a chance to go somewhere to find them so will today.  

The picture above is the way he normally poses for me...

Sitting on the new couch on the patio and he loves it there. But of course this is the way he normally "poses":  his face away from the camera because he doesn't like it.  He sees the red light flash for focusing and has learned to look away immediately! Still with early morning light I love the way he looks. Looking off into the distance and a calm look on his face. I always wonder what he's thinking about. I will never know, but it probably involves his wish that I would put the camera down and leave him alone~

This picture is a side view taken four weeks post surgery and of course this is a major improvement over the original picture 3 days post surgery. He has the hair growing from the side of his nose which we hope grows longer, of course he needs his eyebrows back too~

We are so grateful for his recovery and the excellent surgical results. The inside of his mouth that I've been able to peek into when he's yawning looks pink and healthy and by now the stitches should be almost all gone. They said four to six weeks so we're pretty sure they are gone by now. He is into his second month now and we are going to start putting more distance between blogs and photos, unless there is something to think about or tell or show. It's the way of life, when in the throes of something major and disturbing you are more likely to write and pour out your heart. But when things are "normal" you tend to become complacent and happy that there isn't anything to report...that's where we are now and I'm loving it. 

I can't say when I'll be back, but I have a prayer in my mind that I will conclude this blog (as long as Blogspot lets me), a long, long, long time from now. It has been said by many people and at many times that he is a miracle dog, and sometimes I have to say both my husband and I feel that too. He's a miracle in our midst.  I can't put my finger on it and I can't say why we feel this way, but others have also said the same thing.  Amazing because through the Grace of God he's still with us.  We love you Diggie Dog,  the greatest dog ever! The Mackster is back!

Worried

What is worry? A feeling of being out of control and not understanding the consequences and having a sense of heightened concern whenever something happens?  Well, that was me this morning.
Two nights ago, for the first time since finding out about his cancer and the subsequent surgery, I put him in his crate to sleep. During his recovery I felt that he should be near so I could tell what was going on with him and so for several months he's been sharing our bed, but more like taking over. So over the last two days I've started to wean him away from sleeping with us.  Another reason he was allowed to sleep with us at night was because I treasured the time with him and still do, but I realized that I wasn't sleeping well and that could not continue, so I had to retrain him to welcome his little crate again. He whined for a good hour, little whines, not outright crying, but still a little there and sometimes a little louder, but eventually he stopped. He did one final frustrated whine/hmmpp (that's how I can describe it) and that was it. The next night he didn't make a sound, just went in his crate with a little coaxing and fixed his covers up to lay down. Unfortunately it lasted until around 7:30AM when I heard him retching.  Dogs can have upset stomachs, throw up and then be fine.  He came out of his crate and promptly threw up what appeared  to be his dinner from the night before. This is not normal for him and it appeared not to be full digested even though he'd eaten almost 9 hours before. He quickly did the doggie thing and re-ate it, which is entirely too gross for words, (but that's a dog for you), that by the time I was able to see what it was, it was gone and I couldn't judge how much he'd thrown up. He got up on the bed and quickly curled tightly into a ball next to me as if he was spooning.  Normally he stretches out his entire body so that almost ever inch of him is touching some part of you but this time he was in a tight little ball, which indicated something was not right in his world. Eventually he stretched out with his head near my arm and fell asleep and woke up when Bob came to take him out. He did fine after that and begged for his breakfast and ate every bit of it, so it appears he's ok for the moment. He is laying down beside me with his body fully stretched out and not in a ball and seems to be very peaceful. He's not restless or acting as if he can't get comfortable so we are at a loss as to what might have caused his vomiting. I can only say that we watch him like a hawk and Bob says, stop worrying about all the things that could be wrong, he's ok, stop the worrying.  But for some reason that is hard for me to do. If you know what is going on, you're more at ease, but when you have no idea what to expect, you are waiting for the next shoe to drop.  I know that is what is playing a huge part in my worry. I worry about the smallest change in his behavior that might mean nothing, the restlessness that might mean he is just having to go outside or the lowering of his tail because he's bored...The difficulty is knowing how to set aside the fact that he underwent surgery for cancer four weeks ago today. It is like the old adage, the elephant in the room and for some reason you can't ignore the fact that he was given this marvelous and wonderful chance, but it could simply be a reprieve for the moment. No matter what we want to believe, he had a terrible cancer.  The only thing I can do is pray that the miracle that I think is him, is truly that, a miracle and a cure. But no matter, the worry will probably always be my constant companion and be the little voice waiting for signs of things to come.  But maybe that is the issue, the signs I'm "seeing" are not important and have no relevance. I'm adding their importance because of what I know, not because it is reality.
I will promise to worry less and enjoy more, that is the lesson here.

In My Lap

Sometimes when you think that Diggie Dog has changed, then you see him doing something that he always did, and wanting you to do as he used to do. I have him in my lap, across my legs with his head down on the side. He is comfortable and relaxed and he is happy. I would imagine if a dog were uncomfortable he'd seek a place to lie down, but not want to be in someone's lap and so I feel like he's ok.  I was tempted to begin the regimen of pain killers because I feared that he had been suffering all this time and we just didn't recognize it. But tonight, just as I anticipated his need for the pills, he did something so like his old self that I'm pretty sure he doesn't need the pain killers.
I have noticed a kind of lethargy though, but that might still be the residual effects of the surgery. He's been knocked out so many times in the last three weeks that it's probably still coming out of his system. He has a weakening in the back legs, but he had that prior to the surgery so that isn't new, but I've decided to take him to the veterinarian hospital in Gainesville to visit his surgeon for a one month follow-up and see what they think of him. I also wanted to have them check out his stuffed up nose and ask about it from their perspective and the fold in his face that "appears" to be completely folded into itself and does not provide us with a way to clean it. He won't be able to have the hairs cut from there and most especially if he's sensitive to anyone touching that area. I wonder what he'll be like with his regular groomer if I can't even come near him with scissors? His groomer hasn't seen his improved state and we are excited to hear from the surgeon when he sees the photos I've been sending.
I would have thought we'd have heard by now from the surgeon but I have a feeling he went away for a longer visit than most vets are allowed since he works for the university and students are probably not back from their break yet.  He will have tons of emails to answer and my email has probably been relegated to the bottom of the pile. I just hope he hasn't left the university after having done the surgery on Mack, I'd like to have some continuity with his care.
He is in my lap and that makes my world so much like it was pre-osteosarcoma. He was always seeking out a place to be with me and he's here just as he used to be. That makes the beginning of the new year special to me. I pray that this is not short lived, that 2013 is a year full of health and longevity for him and that we have vanquished this horrible cancer. I believe we have.  I believe that he is the miracle dog of 2012 and 2013 and so on. I just feel in my heart that he is cured.  Maybe we're fooling ourselves, but I don't think so. The world looks brighter.  Mack is back.

 

New Year, Different Dog

This has been my refrain since his surgery, he's not the same, and no matter how I try to figure out what is different, I can't.  I see glimpses of what he was like before the surgery only to disappear a day later.  I can't put my finger on what makes him different.  Maybe it's his sleeping so much which has been a ton since the surgery. But I have to remember we are only 3 weeks post op so that is not that much in recovery time to see him feeling more like himself.  But then I think, dogs recover much faster than we do, but how do I know how much recovery he's undergone, when he can't "tell" me that? I know a part of the return of my dog is the hearing loss, because if you can't hear your world, you are not as engaged with it. If sounds are stimulators as they can be, then not having any sound creates a kind of silent world, where you don't hear anything so you can't react to it.  He can't hear our voices, the sound of the cabinet where his food is or the sound of other dogs barking, so he doesn't have the interaction he once had.  Also he can't hear the sounds that cue him into the next thing in his life, so there is no next thing, until we move around the house and begin showing him things we're about to do...then the old Diggie Dog comes a bit more out of his shell. Do dogs feel depression when they can't hear? Do they feel left out? Do they feel down because they are alone in their silence? Do we understand deafness in dogs? These are questions I have but no one seems to know the answer and I haven't found too many veterinarians who have had words of wisdom about this. They just shrug their shoulders and say well, dogs learn to adapt very well to their environment and their disabilities. But how do we know that?  Just because he continues to do his thing, does that mean he's happy? I wanted him to be healthy and happy, but I wasn't expecting the change in the personality of my dog.
I want my old Mack back as they say. I want that spark that he had, the fire in his eyes and the little swing of his tail and the wagging and giddiness he had when arrived back after an absence.  He barely knows we're there but he's shown signs of coming to the door knowing that we're coming in, and we haven't figured out what cues he's using to figure that out yet, but he is trying.  It's a silent world he lives in and yet at times we swear he can hear something. He can hear a whistle but it's as if he doesn't know which direction it's coming from and he can hear a clap or loud noise but he often turns and looks in a different direction than the sound.  We keep hoping when the swelling goes down the hearing will improve and the veterinarian said there is a remote possibility this could happen and we are hanging on to that hope.
I think we're still dealing with his deafness and that we didn't know it could happen. We were not told about this kind of thing because it doesn't happen often, but now we have to deal with it and what issues come with it.  We pray that his vision stays clear and he can see us, because that would really complicate things. I can't imagine having a blind and deaf dog to contend with when he can't see you or smell you or hear you.  When I'm in my darkest moments about all of this, and there are still times that lurk behind my heart, I've asked myself was it worth it to do this to him?  I haven't gotten an answer yet because my Diggie Dog is here with me and for the most part he is doing well.  He still wants his food, his treats and his bed and he snuggles close and licks my face and hands and looks up at me with those big brown beautiful eyes and there is a connection there.  We can't know what would have happened if we'd chosen not to do anything because we didn't let that happen.  But he is different and I can't put my finger on what makes him different. Maybe one day he will seem just as he was, funny, full of life and running around as if the world was his oyster and he was the king of his world.  I see glimpses of that every so often, so maybe it's just a matter of time and the answer to my question will be hell yes, we did the right thing. I pray that is the way it turns out.