Today was a day I thought I would try to avoid, but as it turns out I went into work anyway, thought I would sit home and brood I guess. I wasn't too sure what I would do if I didn't go in, there isn't much you can do with your dog at times, and working will pay for his treatment, we have bills to pay and a big loan coming due in January, so I went in.  I decided that I'd better make some phone calls to ensure I had all the information concerning the biopsy reports for the oncologist, but I knew our vet. would make sure they had that information. But I had read on a new group posting that I joined that I could call a certain university and use it to get a free consultation with a veterinarian at the school. So I called to have one faxed to me at work. As it turns out that was probably the reason I was supposed to be at work so I could easily have that done and then make phone calls after that.  I read it and reread  it and even thought I don't know all that it means, I realized what they were saying. He doesn't have great chances but he has a chance. He won't live years, maybe months, but he could have another year. It became pretty important right then to talk to the surgeon/dental/veterinarian who did the biopsy to ask him some questions and so I called one of his three offices and tried to see when he was going to be available and they told me that he'd be out of town for the holidays. I can tell you I felt a moment of desperation come over me because I was losing time and worried this should be done right away, but I calmed myself down and realized, well, they did say this wasn't a fast growing cancer, so maybe we still have time. Besides the oncology appointment is the following week, so we'd still have to take her recommendations and go from there.
After going through about four different numbers I managed to have someone at the last number answer and it turned out to be the veterinarian who was with the doctor/vet/surgeon when we first came in to get a consultation and schedule the biopsy. He didn't do the biopsy procedure but he's done several and was extremely patient and kind and informative and answered almost all of my questions.  I guess God knew I had to have that conversation and He also knew that I would be able to feel free to talk with him at work.  Answering all my questions and concerns was the biggest thing I needed at that time. It did clarify my thoughts again, which I think each time I talk with the next person it will continue to do so. They aren't such jumbled and confused thoughts anymore. But are they happy thoughts, relieved ones? No they are just facts.  He is going to leave us and we will not be sure of the time.  But driving home tonight my thoughts were that not one of us knows the time of our passing, there are those who are here for a short time or a very long time and no one knows when the end comes. For us to think we can prolong a life just because we don't want to let go, well, we have to learn to let go.
And then back to the computer and there it is, another ray of hope. It's a combination of therapy using angiogenesis (a research project whereby they starve the blood supply of the tumor and it stops the growth) and there is a story of a dog with osteosarcoma in the leg at 10 months of age.  They give him the concoction and he survives, the tumor goes into remission and they say it will be available for pets soon.  I note the date of the news article, it's 2000, we're now in 2012, what are the odds this is still around or that it even exists? But sure enough, another search finds that there is a group that supports this and is promoting it, it has become available for delivery to veterinarians and may actually become available to humans in future trials but so far the FDA has approved it. Another coincidence, I don't know, but I know that a copy of that will go with me to the oncologist and many more emails and phone calls will be made.  There isn't a cure for this, but I sure as heck won't stop looking...
Maybe it's still not clear but it will be.