Devastation and Heartbreak = Confused

Today is only the second day of the realization that our cute little Maltipoo, Mack, the love of my life for 13 years and my constant companion, has something that we can't fix.  I took him to our regular veterinarian today just to get some kind of direction to go in. What is so hard is that you hear the news  and you are left with what to DO with the news.  I don't think you can know it all in a short time but I sure wish it would come down like a ray of sunlight and just illuminate my confused and addled brain right now.

Previously we had a biopsy done of an area that our veterinarian saw as some suspicious tissue growth around one or two of his teeth. Never contemplating that the cauliflower growth would be a type of cancer found in the long bones of large dogs.  The rarity factor? My own veterinarian who I've gone to with all our pets for almost ten years, has never seen osteosarcoma in the jaw before.

So our education begins on the facts, figures, survival rates, past procedures, future ones and maybe even holistic processes that we can try if we're willing to give him a fighting chance.

But here's the thing, do WE want him to have a fighting chance or does HE want to live doing what we force him to do? I think it ends up many times that it's what WE want. Not necessarily what the dog wants. Would he go to the vet. on his own and ask all the questions, well no, he can't, that much I can do for him. But when it comes to taking him to the surgical bay and taking out part of his jaw (excuse the graphic thought there), then would HE choose this for himself? Do dogs and pets really have a 'will' to live like humans do?

I've always said about myself since surviving three or four types of cancers, one extremely serious, just give me the diagnosis and let me go.  I have no desire to enter into the world of hospitals, doctors, tests, and very uncomfortable circumstances where I don't know which way is up or down and I'm sick to boot. If there is a way to control his discomfort, feed him because he wants to eat, play with him when he feels up to it, then isn't that the "quality" of life that I promised him when I adopted him? Isn't that my job as a fur parent to do this for him? What more could I do but to love this little fur ball, give him loving pets and hugs and in this case a loving kiss on the top of his head like I often do.

I will start this with finding out what we can do and go to the place when it's time for us to say goodbye.  I will spend my time with him and love on him with all my heart and soul. I will give him the devotion and love he's given me all these years and I pray that when the time comes that I will be able to say my goodbyes with strength, courage and devotion as no other fur parent can do. I will give him his choice but it won't be to force him to places he wouldn't go to if he had the decision to make.  Because knowing him as I do, when he shakes in the car on the way to the vet, that can't be because he thinks this is a fun trip to take. No, he will be by my side at home.

This begins the roughest journey I will take with my beloved dog Mack.  May I be able to chronicle that as we move toward the inevitable time of goodbye.