The More Things Change

It's such a beautiful day outside and we spent some part of it just sitting in the grass, Mack and I, looking at the trees and for Mack, smelling whatever was blowing in the wind.  Usually his habit is to lay down on the deck, lay there with the sun shining into his eyes with his eyes shut.  But all of a sudden he was up and gone and around the corner from me, laying down on the grass that is nearest the side of the house.  Odd behavior in some ways but at the same time this is the first time he's actually gone off on his own without knowing where I am and been out "exploring".  He used to walk the entire yard and sniff everything and everywhere and so this little change in habit was either a good sign or not, hard to know.

The last few days I've felt a sense of unease about him. He is still eating great, has been going to the bathroom just fine, drinking water, and sleeping pretty soundly, but in some ways there is a sense of anxiety on his part whenever I'm not in sight of him.  Even when he's with me, he seems restless and ill at ease.  I can't tell what all is the matter because for some reason I'm not speaking Mackese, but he seems to want to tell me something and I'm not getting the message.  I try so many things, like do you want to go out? Do you want a treat? Do you want to lie down? Do you want to sit in my lap? And none of these are the answers he seeks. I can't get into his head and I wish at times I could read his mind, but he's like a little infant that I can't comfort and with it comes frustration and worry.  That has been the last two or three days. Last night I finally relented and gave him a benedryl because as the vet. said, the skin irritation is coming back to bother him and he has more and more spots that are flaring up again. They look so angry and red that the spray has to be done almost twice a day. Always in the same spot and area and he licks them till they are raw.  We have yet to figure out what causes this but it seems to come at the same time every year. If we could figure it out I'd keep him away from it all the time, but the vet. says it's more likely to be a pollen based issue, since it's seasonal.

It comes to me at times when I look at him that more has changed than stayed the same for him, since the lively and spirited little Mack is not with us anymore. I can't relate the new behavior to his old one and find that he seems different to me in more ways than the way he looks and that bothers me more than I realize.  I guess it comes down to the thought that we took him in one way and he came out another and with it came the attendant  changes in his spirited personality that I thought would not be effected.  They didn't tell us we'd have a different dog when he came home and that with his new appearance he would be deaf and so that makes me wonder all over again was it worth it to do that to him, to change the very dog he was before to what he is now.  He is far more anxious than I realize, he shivers at times, he begs me to do something that I can't figure out, he follows me from room to room, cries more when we're not in the house with him, looks all over for me when he can't see me in a frantic search for security and sleeps less soundly sometimes and coughs in his sleep and sometimes seems to struggle to get the next breath.  Snuffling is fine, but when he seems to have difficulty breathing, that is not fine.  Before the surgery, he didn't need me as much, he was independent and funny and boisterous and playful and interested and happy and just as happy when we were there as not. This new dependence on us you would think would be flattering but it's worrisome because this is not the dog we had before.  He is different, and I wish as the saying goes, "the more things change the more they stay the same" would in reality be true for him, but the more things changed, the more different he became.  Maybe this change in behavior comes down to the deafness factor and the inability to judge the world by sound.   It would be rather frightening to have that happen and not understand what is going on in your life and relying on sight to guide you.  I'm sure that it has something to do with some of the changes we see in him.

But then I have to remember that he's a dog, with the acceptance of his life just the way he is and how he is with no angst attached.  He is not worried about what he's doing or how he's acting because he doesn't think he's different.  I just know the subtle differences that he has now because I'm more attuned to them and see them as significant and worth noticing.  I can't know how this will play out and that influences me to worry more, that is the biggest difference that could relate back to my sensitivity about this and his new behaviors. At least I hope that is the case.  I keep thinking improvement will mean a return to his old self a bit more every day and when I don't see that it does worry me.